Forest Metaphors

You know what I can’t stand? I can’t stand a bunch of losers who are too big for their fucking pants! You know the type, the type who think they are big shit and then they’ll stand up to you like they are big shit. In the end those types end up the same way: flat on their back after being knocked down by the real big shits in this business….people like me! Oliver Hardy Jr.

But don’t you dare call me that. Select few can call me that you are not one of those select few. My name is Monoxide and I am the slayer of the evil. I have eliminated the one who destroyed my hopes and my dreams. I have crushed my step-sister Kayla Jones.

And yet despite the fact that I crushed her in one on one competition, she lives. And that is not something I want.

This brings us back to what I was speaking of earlier, the snot nosed punks, the losers in this business who think they are big shits who can stand up to people like me and my Illuminati brethren.

The Outsiders think that they can hang in there with the top dogs in GDW. Kayla Jones probably thinks that with the emergence of these new Outsiders that she has protection from my righteous wrath and fury. Both are wrong. Myself and the Talbot brothers will take out The Outsiders on Friday Night Fever. We will crush their little rebellion before it even begins.

And then, with Glory Braddock, Carrie Storm, and Jake Storm all taken out…..Kayla Jones will be left all alone. I can then proceed to finish what I started at Desperate Measures.

But it all begins with Friday Night Fever in the six man tag team match pitting me and my Illuminati brethren against The Outsiders. We can win. We must win.

The camera, the one that usually follows me wherever I go whenever I am busy doing promos, is currently following my as I walk in deep into the woods. I am dressed in blue jeans, cowboy boots, and a plain black shirt. I am walking with a purpose towards my destination somewhere in these woods. Where am I? No one knows. Why have I chosen this wooded forest for my promo? You will find out shortly.

Finally I find a clearing. A tent is already set up nearby a fire. Unless you are dense you probably have figured out that this is my tent where I have set up for the night.

I walk over towards the fire and lean my hands in to get them warm. Finally I turn around to face the camera. A cold emotionless stare is etched across my face.

Monoxide: Welcome to a dense forest. Welcome to the woods. Fathers often take their sons out here to “make men out of them”, to camp. They call this “roughing it.” The funny thing is my dad never got a chance to take me camping. I never got to experience the close bond that a father and a son experience when they are out on this type of adventure. Do you want to know why my father never took me camping?

Quickly, before the cameraman can react I shove my face into the camera lenses and I begin to yell with an angry rage.

Monoxide: ITS BECAUSE MY FUCKING STEP-SISTER, THAT WHORE KAYLA JONES, BUTCHERED AND MURDERED HIM BEFORE HE HAD THE FUCKING CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I quickly back away from the camera. The camera shakes a little bit, because, of course, the cameraman is a little shaken up by what I just did. I take a few deep breaths before I gaze back into the camera and begin to speak again.

Monoxide: But this forest represents more than just that one metaphor. Pay close attention while I explain how this fits into the upcoming six man tag team match pitting myself, Jason Talbot, and Steven Talbot against the upstart Outsiders.

I laugh sadistically.

Monoxide: Trees symbolize life and the soul. What Glory Braddock, Carrie Storm, and her idiot brother need to realize is that I have no fucking soul! MY SOUL DIED WHEN MY DADDY DIED! So I won’t hesitate to eliminate the three of you if it means accomplishing my ultimate goal. The fact is, you three are merely obstacles in our way, in The Illuminati’s way.

I make my way over to a log by the fire and I sit down on it. The camera follows me as I continue speaking.

Monoxide: Some trees change with the seasons and others stand up to harsh conditions. Trees beautify the earth and some provide food for both humans and animals, such as fruit, nuts and berries. Birds nest in trees and other animals hide within their branches for safety. The meaning of trees in your dream depends on a multitude of factors. Dreaming of budding trees in the spring may herald a new cycle or rebirth, including death. Death….that is a feeling that my father felt and one that The Outsiders will soon feel. DEATH TO THE OUTSIDERS! DEATH TO THEIR STUPID REBELLION!

A sly grin spreads across my face. I nod my head.

Monoxide: Oh yeah, and there’s more! Summer indicates the development of self-reliance and strength to surviving rough conditions in your life. The changing and falling leaves of autumn symbolize shedding what is no longer needed so that changes can occur. Change, my friends. Change is a word thrown around like a silly catchphrase but it is real. The Illuminati, we are bringing about real change to GDW and people like Glory and her pals, the Outsiders, they only want the status. The status quo will die along with your rebellion. Understand the meaning of the forest and you will understand this, Outsiders. You see, harvesting the work of the past is also represented. The bare trees of winter can symbolize a time of dormancy, to sort things out and rest before beginning something new. That something new is represented in The Illuminati and our reign in the Global Division of Wrestling.

I point my index finger directly into the camera.

Monoxide: Your reign will be a short lived one. You see, an uprooted tree symbolizes a feeling of being uprooted in waking or spiritual life. Are you losing your hold on the ground, Outsiders? Are you losing touch with reality? Because only a fucking lunatic would think that they stood a chance against the most dominant force ever to set foot in GDW!

I laugh.

Monoxide: There’s one last thing you should know about the symbols and metaphors of this great forest. A tree struck by lightning or in flames may represent a situation that is about to erupt, but this can also symbolize electrified energy or being “on fire” for a goal or desire. I am on fire for a goal! I have a desire burning deep down in my heart and my soul! My desire is to eliminate Kayla Jones and all like her! People like you, people like The Outsiders, YOU ARE STANDING IN MY WAY and on Friday Night Fever we will take you out! Ah but dreaming of a dead tree may symbolize that you are holding on to values or things from the past or a feeling that something is stagnant and not growing. You are going to be the dead tree, Outsiders. You are going to be that tree that is stagnant and that is going nowhere.

I AM A GOD-DAMNED FORCE OF NATURE MY FRIENDS AND YOU CANNOT STAND UP TO ME! I am Monoxide and on Friday Night Fever, Glory Braddock, Carrie Storm, and Jake Storm will learn the hard lessons of life. You three will learn the hard way that no one can stand up to the Illuminati and survive. You are welcome to try, but you will fail, just as everyone else before you as failed.

Failure is your destiny.

Ah but my destiny is bright. My future is bright. I know that I will accomplish my ultimate goal. And you cannot stop me.

No one can stop me..

Because I am Monoxide.

And I…am…God.